The Funeral

I went to Gary's funeral today. Made Jossie come with me (since she is my best bud and fellow tenant)... actually we have 5 tests so I really had to twist her arm and drag her kicking and screaming in the rain.

It poured most of the day. The viewing started at 1:30pm, so we got there a bit after 2pm, assuming the services would start at 2:30 and last and hour. Big mistake. We were one of the first to arrive due to the rain (the island stops turning when it rains here). We sat patiently in the pew for an hour and a half as people trickled in, but we had great seats-- the 3rd pew. The family (Mom Brooks, Gary's mother) was thrilled to see me. Keep in mind that this is the 'pre-funeral services.'

We were there for about 30 minutes when the concert started. One person came up and introduced himself as Gary's cousin and middle school teacher. Then he passed the microphone off the a man with a goatee. I have never heard such a voice! We were TOO CLOSE to the speaker (remember 3rd pew). The building shook. I think he was in tune, but I really have no idea. Jossie and I looked at each other.

When this man finished belting out his song or two, he passed the microphone to a woman with equally strong lungs. Then as more people trickled in, a group, I assume family?, joined her on stage. It was like church karaoke without the teleprompter... or like the out takes of American Idol.

As the church filled and the microphone was handed to more newcomers, those seated were overcome with Tourette syndrome. We heard all sorts of vocalizations like "Hallelujah!, JEEEESUS!, Oh lord!, Oh JEEEESUS!, That's right!, Yes JEEESUS!, Oh God!" For a moment we thought someone one in the back was having some really great sex.

An hour and a half went by. Jossie looked at me. I looked at her and replied "I know I owe you big time." She said "No shit! But I have to get back to studying. Have you looked at the program? They haven't even started. There are 8 pages of this stuff. This will take hours. HOURS!"

I looked at the program, and indeed she was right. What had I gotten myself into? What had I gotten us into?! We have 5 exams in a row starting Wednesday. I decided to release her from the never ending funeral concert, "Do you want t take my car?" "No, you are going to need it to get to the cemetery, or if you need to escape, I'll take the bus." "Okay."

It was decided, she would leave and I would stay and represent [all of] the tenants of the house. She got up to leave, and EXACTLY at that moment when she was scurrying toward the door of escape, the cousin/teacher guy announced to all 200 people crammed in the building who we were. I suppose everyone was wondering who the two white chicks were, since everyone had been staring and pointing and not sitting near us. I absolutely love that I look so different here, but it's a smidge uncomfortable being asked if they can touch my hair.

Jossie waved and kept walking. I stood half way up, waved, and sunk back into my pew. I was on my own. The concert continued for another hour and a half with everyone saying and singing something, except for quiet little ole me. When the services finally did start, Gary's father, a preacher, led the prayers, more speakers, more songs, more reading of the Bible, more songs, and more prayers. Toward the end, the group that was having sex with Jesus in the back became far more vocal. One woman came to take Jossie's seat and almost went into a fit screaming to Jesus! Anyone who knows me can guess how bewildered I was. Now multiply that by 10 and you're getting close.

At sunset we drove Gary's body to the cemetery. There two men proceeded to dig a hole, put the coffee colored coffin in the ground, and bury it. A pair of dogs looked on with interest. The program had an insert of graveside hymns to be sung. Everyone huddled around the men digging, some standing on tombstones (not the flat kind), and sung as loud as possible. Then I apparently missed the memo that said we were to repeat the 4 lines of chorus until the grave was filled, but I caught on after the 5th repeat.

When it was done, I went up to Des, Gary's widow, and gave her another hug. I'd given her one earlier when she arrived in tears. Sad. She thanked me for coming and told me she'd be by tomorrow to meet the new tenants in the building. As we were talking, a VERY handsome black man walked up to us. He looked so familiar, since I'd gone through 3000 family pictures with Mom Brooks. I chimed "You look familiar, I've seen your wedding photos. What's you're name?" FYI to all other socially inept persons like me, never say that.

He puffed up "I'm not married! I'm single! Never been married! No kids! I'm an architect! Not married! Single!" I shuddered. So I said "But I thought I saw your wedding picture at Mom Brook's house on the left next to the sofa." "Oh that was probably my dad, we look alike. Are you a vet student? I'm single, here's my card, email me, I come to this island often." Oh and this was said loud enough so that everyone heard. I took the card, gave Des another hug, and retreated into the pitch black cemetery, hiding behind a gravestone, and making my way back to my car without completely breaking my ankle in the divets.

This funeral would have made Gary very happy. I cam almost see him hunched over giggling and saying "Are you serious! Wow man!" He was a great guy, and I'm glad I decided to stay for all 6+ hours of his funeral-concert. It was definitely an experience!