AI Clinic

Over the weekend I attended a certification class on how to artificially inseminate cows. Yup, breeding cows minus the bull. Let me assure you, it’s a lot easier having a bunch of bull around; let me walk you through the process:

1. First and foremost, wear clothes you are willing to get filthy. I mean way more dirty than you could ever imagine. Clothes that you’d be okay to smear cow shit all over and stain forever.

2. Prepare your AI gun which looks like an extended metal coat hanger. The semen straw in the liquid nitrogen storage container must be thawed without touching it or taking it out of the tank. Once this is accomplished, it must be thawed at precisely 95°F water in a thermal mug for 45 seconds. Then stroke your AI gun to warm the metal; not doing so kills your spermies. Wipe your semen strawoff gently with a paper towel and pop it into your gun. Cut the top off and place the “sheath” over the entire gun to hold the straw in place. Now your gun is loaded and ready to go. Put your gun full of semen (and here’s the good part) down the front of your shirt tucked into your pants to keep it warm. (Don’t worry mom, I’m not pregnant.)

3. Now you need to get a really really big glove. No really, a glove that goes over your entire arm up to your shoulder. (Seam side inward for the cow please.) It’s also a good idea to clamp your glove to your collar with something like forecepts. (They chose not to inform us of this on the first day, SO our gloves fell and are arms were covered in …)

4. Get a second, normal glove for your right hand and shove a bunch of paper towels into your pocket. Walk over to the industrial sized container of KY and pump enough out to smear over your left (gloved) arm and hand. The more the better.

5. Find a cow in heat. This is generally easier if someone supplies you with one.

6. Shove your entire left arm up the cow’s butt. The cow will poop on you at this point. If you press down, she’ll pee too.

7. Feel around (blindly) for internal female parts through her rectum. It’s been likened to an electric cord with a turkey neck in the middle. I assure you this is not accurate and near impossible to find. It gets worse.

8. Poke the AI gun that you’ve been warming in your shirt into the cow’s female parts at a 45° angle, and once in, go straight (0°) until you hit a dead end.

9. Wiggle the turkey neck around the AI gun with your left arm in the squirming cow’s rectum until it goes through. Talk about impossible.

10. Now that you’re “in” (the uterine body) unload the spermies into the cow. Pull the AI gun out, and hope you don’t have to “do it” again in 3 weeks. (FYI: Cow’s cycle every 21 days, humans cycle every 28 days.)

Alternate method: BUY A BULL and let him do all the work. I see this as a two fold benefit: the cow enjoys the bull more than she enjoys you no matter how skinny your arm is, and you don’t have to shove your arm up a cow.

Honestly it really wasn’t so bad. I’ve done similar things to horses to preg check; cows are just messier. Have to say, my whole body ached the first day; don’t even want to imagine how the cows felt. My first day was unsuccessful with 5 or 6 cows (we had 20 cow options) over 6 hours. The second day, another 6 hours, I was able to get 3 done I think. Sufficed to say I’ll be charging a lot for this service if your not my really good friend. The guy that taught the course (from Select Sires) said guys who do this for a living take ~30 seconds per cow! And get paid $7 per cow! Personally, I think that sounds great, although I’m sure with practice I’ll get better.